you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
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