If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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