i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
