I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
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