Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
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