The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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