now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
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