mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
