My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
