Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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