i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
