omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
