So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
