Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Randomize
