K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Randomize
