Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize