I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
