defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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