Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
