dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
We need to rekindle our bromance
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
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