Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Small penises have feelings too.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
