I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize