I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
