"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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