Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
