I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
