Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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