I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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