The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize