A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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