we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
