I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
this just has baby written all over it
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
