Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Randomize