her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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