I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
