cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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