My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
