Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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