He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
