I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Will exercising make me less horny?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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