he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
