wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
