What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
