Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
