my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
