we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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