I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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