I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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