1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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