you win again, gameday.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
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