Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
