You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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