Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize