my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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