Cold hands, warm shart.
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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