Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
