if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
